I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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