smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
