i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
When are your genitals available?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize