opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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