Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
