dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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