Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
