Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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