It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
