First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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