im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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