turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
