My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
