His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
