I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
