I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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