He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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