NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We left the knife in your bed.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
