ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
