Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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