No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
