you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
