WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
