At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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