you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize