If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
