Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
