I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
