know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
