I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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