wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
