did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
