i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
