It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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