There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
