hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
