why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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