I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
