Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
