if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
