Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize
