It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize