Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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