I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
