are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
