Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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