Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
