I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
