I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
