She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he fucked my hip out of place.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sorry about my life...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
