bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize