Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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