dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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