need another drink. this is the easiest way
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
