turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
