i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
