i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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