Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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