I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
