Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
