shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
