I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
