If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
