His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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