I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
